Thesis Proposal

It feels slightly embarrassing to post this but I know no one is looking... ha.

As a person that is extremely self-conscious and concerned with my own personal comfort, I think about my surroundings and my body extensively. That being said, I often observe other people as well, usually those that are close to me. Eventually, having time to myself, this coalesces into a blurring between imaginative spaces and reality after I’ve had time to digest what I’ve seen. I have a hypersensitivity towards what I see before me but that exacerbates into what I cannot see or what I wish I could see. From the micro to the macro, to reality and fantasy. It’s odd and a bit naive but I shift between wanting to paint the quiet (or sometimes not so quiet) scenes in front of me to dreaming up intensely complex landscapes and organisms that could not possibly exist in reality. It’s as if I’m piecing together a film in my mind, each frame being its own scene and painting, though ultimately there is no real conclusion that I can foresee. It comes across as a sort of attention deficit, but there is too much I want to explore to simply narrow it down to the “body” and “slice of life” as I have done in the past. Despite the disparity between the things I choose to render I feel they all aim to create a compelling or at the very least interesting psychological space. Ideas or moods that have affected me, vaguely remembered details from a previous day, or how my skin felt during a particular night. I realize this is broad and unkempt, but to pare it down in artistic language, it’s my personal narrative reflecting the multiple mindsets I may have at one time.

Here is an excerpt from a book that I hold dear, And Then by Natsume Soseki.

“Of particular interest to Daisuke was the decorative painting around the transom, the result of lengthy discussion with a certain artist acquaintance. Daisuke stood up and examined the colors unfolding like a picture scroll, and was pained to discover that they were not nearly as pleasing as the last time he had seen the painting. Disturbed, he began to scrutinize each section when suddenly… After some time, the colors no longer seemed to be painted upon the wall at all, but were leaping from his pupils and flying out to the wall, where they became glued. Soon, by controlling the colors that flew from his eyes, Daisuke was able to correct all the places that had displeased him, and finally, having achieved the most beautiful hues that his imagination could conjure, he sat in a state of rapture” (Soseki, 30-33).

The protagonist, Daisuke, is an extremely sensitive young man that takes his personal comfort very seriously, more so than the pressing matters that exist in his life that could easily upset his well-being. During this excerpt he is casually listening to his sister-in-law press him about getting married, but rather than paying full attention to her he gazes at a painting on a wall, adjusting and editing it in his mind until it no longer offends him. A petal being out of place could render him unable to summon the will to leave his home for the day.

I share this anxiety and unnecessary fixation, with a small detail out of place capable of crippling me for extended periods of time. That feels foolish to admit but I look to reflect or even “solve” these issues in the works I create. Beyond that, I aim to provide a view or perspective not normally obtainable to extract some excitement and wonder from.